Don’t Chase Illusion in Relationship. Learn How Facing Reality can Cause Harmony.



Saw an article today. The title: “Don’t Chase Men. Learn How Chasing a Man can Push Him Away.” As anyone can guess, the article talks about relationship between men and women. The article is directed to women, as obvious as it can be.

One word from me about the article: G A R B A G E

If you have something else better to do, then do that other thing. No need to waste time reading it. But then again, some wise dude had said before, as writers, we do have to read garbage once a while…in order NOT to produce one.

Now, let’s get to what I have in mind about why I think it’s garbage and why it bothers me.

What I meant by garbage is not the writing, but the content. And yes, I am writing as a woman, with the perspective of a woman, and not just any woman, but a woman who had gone through a similar experience portrayed in the article. In a short summary of the article, it explains that women should not chase men, but often women does it unconsciously by being “friendly.”  Friendly, by the author, meant calling, texting, initiating contact, making plans, asking the man how he feels, and so on. The list is quite long and with extensive explanation. All of these actions end up pushing men away. And therefore, the message by the author is for women to avoid doing them. Well, my dear readers, I’d like to inform you that while typing this essay, I am in a constant restraining effort to control my emotion from reacting.

I would like to offer my piece of mind, another side of the story, a challenge to the status quo in the society that sees women as needy, demanding, nagging, just because we LOVE big, deep, and fully. Bless us women who feel free to love with no fear. Bless us women who bravely profess and show our love through little things that we do and say. Bless us women who were left behind, neglected, betrayed, cheated, ignored, and even to the point of being treated with violence (not necessarily by the partnering man, but also by other people), but still managed to open our hearts again and again to love other living beings. Bless us women who when showing our love, we are greeted by labels; labels that put us down, saying that we chase men too much, that we lower ourselves, that we are desperate, and so on.

I, myself, have been called needy and nagging. Lucky me! I was told that I asked too many questions. A man in my life had complained once about my casual asking, “Have you eaten?” The question, by the way, was asked in order to open a conversation, as a form of chitchat. Most of the time, I was the one who called first, asked the “how are you, how’s your day” first. Most of the time, I was the one who initiated the open up, the talk, the telling of stories in the conversation with the hope of engaging the two of us. I felt that if I didn’t do them, then there wouldn’t be any conversation, exchange, or communication. Perhaps I was wrong in that thinking, but only those who had tried speaking with someone who doesn’t like to talk much on the phone would understand my thinking. Of course, I did them all by choice. I chose to do them; therefore, I’m responsible for my actions. I made the decision to extend my hand, to reach out.

Now, the question is, was everything that I did wrong? Was it wrong to reach out and call first, to initiate contact, to make suggestion or plan to meet? Well, according to the article above, since I did all of those, I  may as well walk around with a label “needy” printed on my chest. As the article put it:

Everything on this list is the same as putting a sign on your chest that says “Needy.” It smacks of desperation. And, it’s just plain not attractive to him.

Plain not attractive to him? Seriously? *gagging*

Let me say that if a man can’t handle my shower of affection and think that I’m not attractive because of that, then c’est la vie! He is welcomed to find another dull doll or mannequin that will not do all of those things to him, not chase him, not ask him questions, and so on. And for me? I will reserve my energy for other people, whether those are families, friends, or even another special person, who will appreciate my affection. God gave me a gift in the form of abundant affection inside me and I intend to use it right. And let’s not forget the One Almighty who at any given moment deserves my attention. So, if a person thinks that my showering of affection is just plain not attractive and therefore avoids me, I will not hold my breath to wait too long.

Wait, I’m not done yet skinning the bones of the article. I have more to say. The article also has some subliminal messages and they need to be pointed out.

  1. Women is to blame for causing disharmony in relationship. Because of a certain way of thinking in most women, our behaviors are then labeled as those mentioned in the article: needy, desperate. In reality, instead of labeling women with those names, shall we at least try to examine why women behave that way? I believe in every relationship, how the relationship turns out is based on the work of both sides, never only one side. A woman, or a man, may act a certain way in a relationship because of the dynamics of both people in that relationship, plus the influence of the past and family background of both people. Is it the woman’s fault only that she acts that way? Have we ever asked instead why do men have to put distance or become distant in relationship whenever they don’t like “being chased”? Men also has a choice to not become distant. Face the problem, deal with what’s causing the distress, and fix it together. Communicate what is the problem, talk about a solution together, but whatever it is, please do not think that it is the side of the woman that is at fault. We women hear that too often, but trust me, the matter will never be solved with the men also continue to behave the same — running away.
  2. The author describes a relationship as one person doing the chasing and the other one being chased. Why? Why does chasing need to occur? That sounds like a game. Furthermore, there is an advice at the end of the article to encourage women to act certain way, even though that part is untold or hidden in the article. One needs to subscribe to their newsletter to know it. It gives a message again as if there is a game that women can do to attract men. Why does it have to be like that?

I believe that if you like a person, and find out later that you love that person, then commit! Like-love-commit. If there is no like and love anymore, then leave. If love, attention and time are not given, why stay if only to feel pain?  But if choosing commitment, then enter with a full heart so there’s no need for any distancing to happen whenever facing a problem in that relationship. And because there is no distancing, then there’s no need for chasing in the forms of nagging or demanding.

Has anyone thought before perhaps chasing happens because the chased one likes to be chased? If he/she did not enjoy being chased, chasing would never occur. I suspect that some people (men and women) like the idea of being wanted in a game like this, and unfortunately, there are people who also like to do the chasing. Well, love is not a game. Sounds cliche, but true.

You play with fire, you get burn. Damn, more cliche!


%d bloggers like this: