Hari Ini Aku Gagal

Gagal lagi yang kesekian kalinya.

Hari ini aku meledak. Emosi mengambil alih kontrol, meluap, dan berwujud dalam bentuk sebuah reaksi. Setelah sekian lama belajar untuk mencoba merespon, kegagalanlah yang kutemui hari ini.

Sakit hati timbul karena merasa pekerjaanku diremehkan oleh seorang rekan kerja. Entah mengapa kata-kata yang kuterima hari ini dari rekan kerjaku itu terasa seperti memandang enteng tugas-tugasku. Tanpa perlu mengatakannya langsung, kumaknai kata-kata yang dia pakai hari ini sebagai: Ah, apa artinyalah pekerjaanmu. Dan, semua yang sudah aku bangun susah payah selama ini terasa seperti melorot jatuh. Dengan pahit harus kuterima kenyataan bahwa ada teman kerja (mungkin lebih dari satu) di tempat kerjaku, yang sudah kuanggap teman dan bahkan keluarga sendiri, tidak menghargai jerih payahku. Atau mungkin mereka tidak akan pernah menghargaiku karena berbagai alasan pribadi mereka.

Aku sadar bahwa tanggapan atau pemikiran orang lain bukan sesuatu yang bisa aku kontrol, tapi tetap, rasa sakit itu terasa. Rasa sakit itu semakin terasa karena, kalau dipikir-pikir, rekan kerja yang satu ini selama ini tidak pernah terpikirkan olehku sebagai seseorang yang akan sebegitu mampunya mengeluarkan kata-kata seperti itu. Kenyataan bahwa selama ini berarti kemungkinan besar dia tidak memiliki kepedulian terhadap jerih payahku terasa berat untuk diterima. Mestinya aku sudah tahu mengenai ini. Tanda-tanda dari sikapnya kepada orang lain yang mengarah ke karakter tertentu sebenarnya sudah terlihat. Akan tetapi, yah, di sinilah terletak perbedaan karakterku dengan dia. Mungkin aku yang terlalu naif dan bodoh juga untuk berpikir bahwa dia punya rasa peduli terhadap pekerjaanku. Atau mungkin aku punya pengharapan terlalu tinggi akan karakternya.

Kenapa aku gagal? Kenapa aku membiarkan seorang manusia egois untuk sekali lagi memporak-porandakan tempat kediamanku yang sudah kujaga selama ini untuk siap menghadapi badai apapun yang datang. Aku bisa sebenarnya untuk tidak bereaksi. Apakah keadaanku yang memang sedang stres menghadapi suatu projek saat ini, atau keadaan biologis badanku yang sedang kurang fit yang membuat bentengku agak menurun? Atau apakah memang selama beberapa minggu terakhir ini sudah terbangun semacam rasa tidak senang terhadap sikap rekan kerjaku tapi kucoba untuk menahan, menyimpan, menimbunnya, tapi hari ini, terlalu meluap sehingga membludak? Memang kalau ditelusuri lagi, hari ini adalah hari yang penuh dari pagi sampai sore, sampai makan siangpun untung-untungan berhasil kulahap dalam 5 menit. Bila semua faktor digabungkan, memungkinkan memang untuk akhirnya kehilangan kontrol dan bereaksi terhadap suatu tambahan tekanan yang tak terduga.

Mau tidak mau aku kembali kepada kemampuan diri untuk mengatur emosi. Ternyata sangat tidak mudah. Aku baru akan tahu benar-benar batas kemampuanku mengatur emosi itu saat benar-benar terjebak di suatu sudut, dan masalahnya, aku belum bisa melakukan dugaan di sudut mana aku bisa terjebak. Suatu kejadian di luar dugaan bisa melontarkanku untuk merasa tersudutkan, seperti apa yang aku alami hari ini.

Tapi kemudian aku menganalisa lagi kejadian dengan rekanku itu. Sebenarnya, apakah memang benar apa yang terjadi itu di luar dugaanku ataukah sebenarnya bisa aku prediksi? Kalau dipikir-pikir, mungkin bisa aku prediksi sebelumnya. Hanya saja, yang tidak aku prediksikan adalah fakta bahwa dia mengatakan beberapa hal tidak sensitif yang membuatku merasa terjebak itu.

Kenapa aku tidak bisa memprediksikan dia mengatakan hal-hal tersebut? Yah, sepertinya kembali lagi ke kenaifan dan keluguanku, merasa orang-orang di sekitarku terlalu baik, merasa rekan kerjaku ini tidak akan sampai sebegitu rendah level karakternya untuk bisa mengatakan hal-hal demikian. Setelah aku pikirkan lagi, sebenarnya ada kemungkinan besar malah aku dipergunakan olehnya untuk mencapai suatu misi tertentu. Sempat timbul suatu hipotesis bahwa konflik antara kami memang sudah dia inginkan supaya ini menjadi alasan buatnya untuk keluar dari tanggung jawab perannya yang menjadi alasan konflik kami. Aku merasa dia tidak melakukan tugasnya dengan baik dan hasil dari tugasnya itu melibatkan aku, dan dia melemparkan tanggung jawabnya dengan menyalahkan orang lain. Walhasil, akhirnya dia melakukan juga tugasnya, tapi dengan cara menekanku sehingga meledaklah aku. Dengan adanya konflik ini, apalagi dengan reaksiku, dia kemudian mengatakan sesuatu yang kumaknai sebagai berikut: kalau ada yang tidak suka dengan caranya bekerja dan merasa dia perlu dilepaskan dari tanggung jawabnya, maka silakan saja melakukan itu karena dia juga tidak apa-apa kalau dibebaskan dari tugas itu. Saat membaca tulisan itu, aku merasa dipergunakan, dan lebih parah lagi, aku melangkah masuk ke dalam jebakan itu dengan mudahnya.

Seharusnya aku bisa menyadari lebih awal semua itu. Dan mungkin itulah mengapa aku merasa sangat gagal hari ini. Bukan hanya karena aku gagal menahan emosiku, tapi karena aku merasa menjadi pion dalam sebuah permainan catur orang itu. Dan aku marah, tapi tidak tahu mau mengarahkan kemarahanku ke mana atau siapa.

Dan dalam saat-saat seperti ini, kesendirian terasa sangat menggigit. Saat inilah baru benar-benar terasa apa arti kehilangan. Tak ada siapa-siapa yang bisa kuajak berbagi lagi. Namun demikian, aku harus bisa menjalaninya dengan kuat. Ini pilihanku sendiri, demikian pula konsekuensinya.

*****

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Fighting for Pancasila

“This country, the Republic of Indonesia, does not belong to any group, nor to any religion, nor to any ethnic group, nor to any group with customs and traditions, but the property of all of us from Sabang to Merauke!”
~ Sukarno (1901-1970), Indonesia’s first President.

“ Learning without thinking is useless, but thinking without learning is very dangerous! ”
~ Sukarno (1901-1970), Indonesia’s first President.

 

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June 1, 1945 is commemorated as the birth day of Pancasila. The concept of Pancasila came through Sukarno’s speech before the session of the preparatory committee for the Indonesia’s Independence on June 1, 1945. Sukarno then became the first President after the nation declared its independence on August 17, 1945.

Pancasila is held dearly in the hearts of Indonesian people not only because it is the national emblem of Indonesia, but more than that. It is the foundation, the backbone, the pillar, the strength of the nation. Pancasila runs in the blood of Indonesians, and many have spilled their blood in order to upheld the meaning behind it. I worry that this nation of Indonesia, my country, will fall if Pancasila is no longer treated as its backbone. But before I continue, allow me to describe Pancasila further for those who are unfamiliar with it.

As shown in the picture, Pancasila is depicted as a Garuda bird. In the ancient mythology of Indonesian history, Garuda bird is the vehicle for the god Vishnu that resembles an eagle. The word Pancasila derived from the old Sanskrit language — panca means five and sila means principle.

The Garuda bird displays a shield in its chest declaring the nation’s five principles of ideology (each principle is represented by a symbol, so there are a total of five symbols displayed on the shield). On its feet, it grips a white scroll with the nation’s motto Bhinneka Tunggal Ika written on it. Bhinneka Tunggal Ika means Unity in Diversity, describing Indonesia’s diverse ethnic groups, languages, cultural traditions, religions, and yet there is one language that unites all of those groups, that is Bahasa Indonesia, spoken everywhere in Indonesia.

The five principles of ideology shown on the shield of Garuda are listed as followed (the credit for English translation below is given to wikipedia):

  • The first principle, which is represented with a symbol of star in the middle is Ketuhanan Yang Maha Esa in Bahasa Indonesia and translated to English to mean “A Belief in One Supreme God”.
  • The second principle, that is represented with the symbol of chain, declares Kemanusiaan yang Adil dan Beradab, which means “A Just and Civilized Humanity”.
  • The third principle, that is represented with the symbol of a banyan tree, declares Persatuan Indonesia, which means “The Unity of Indonesia”
  • The fourth principle, that is represented with the symbol of a bull head, declares Kerakyatan yang Dipimpin oleh Hikmat Kebijaksanaan dalam Permusyawaratan dan Perwakilan, which means “Democracy that is Guided by the Inner Wisdom in the Unanimity Arising out of Deliberations amongst Representative”
  • And lastly, the fifth principle, that is the symbol of rice and cotton, declares Keadilan Sosial Bagi Seluruh Rakyat Indonesia which means “Social Justice for the Entire People of Indonesia”

I choose this topic for my blogging assignment today because I’d like to reflect on the turbulence that my country is going through in the past few years, and it is especially felt in the past few months.

My country has gone through many ups and downs, but we managed to get through it somehow. The word tolerance was still echoing in many parts of the nation ever since we declared our independence in 1945 and even despite of the ups and downs we have been through. Tolerance and acceptance of the differences are the fruits of having Pancasila as our backbone. We have had uncounted riots, demonstrations, violence against certain ethnic groups, economic downfall of the late 90s, terrorist bombs, and the list continues on for examples of the downs. Despite all of those, we still talked about tolerance and acceptance; at least, we used to. Nowadays, the wind had changed direction it seems. We no longer discuss about tolerance, but instead about the uprising of intolerance. For many decades, Indonesia was used as an icon in the world for a peaceful existence of many religions. We have the largest Muslim population in the world, and for the longest time we have been so proud of living the proof that differences could exist side by side in peace. Just two days ago, I read an article on The Diplomat (click on the word article to take you to the full article) that warned Indonesia that the country may be heading towards becoming like Pakistan if we do not start something to upheld Pancasila and fight for tolerance and acceptance.

The word tolerance that was still heard before has now been questioned. We are now seeing the surfacing of a wave of intolerance. Whether we want to deny it or now, it is here. The news media and the public in general through social media are responsible as well for the spreading of fake news that added gas into the fire. I don’t think this current concern has reached the point of causing panic in the society, but I am positive it exists in the back of the mind of many citizens. Fortunately, we, Indonesians, have a strong genes of resiliency, that despite of troubles and difficulties like this, many of us prevail and continue to live our lives nonchalantly because we face a more important goal in life, that is to survive the already hard live.

On daily basis, I still have many friends who come from different background, hold a different religion than mine, speak a dialect or local language other than Bahasa Indonesia and different than my own local dialect that I learned since I was little. I live in a city that is generally safe and peaceful.  It is not to say that disturbances and unruliness don’t exist in other parts of Indonesia, because they do. Have I lost hope for my country? Absolutely not! My hope is still strong as ever before. I still hope that the younger generation, with the wise guidance of the older generation like mine, can together build this nation to continue its principles and values of Pancasila and upheld the culture of acceptance, tolerance, living in harmony and gotong-royong (mutual assistance).

Thank you for reading and getting to know my country. I encourage you, my readers, to please feel free to ask question or to comment. Thank you. May peace be with us all.

*****

Day 5 of the DailyPost at WordPress challenge: Hook ’em with a Quote’

#everydayinspiration

Getting to Know Our Thinking Pattern

Pay attention to the image below and list some words that might come to your mind triggered by the image or that you are projecting onto the image.

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Done? Remember, try to list some words before scrolling down.

-̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶

 

Most people will probably say words such as busy, bustling life, the future, working people, and so on. Some adjectives would probably be energized, inspiring, or even alive(!).

My guess is that most people will list words that are leaning towards the positive side, but I may be wrong.

How many of you wrote lonely or loneliness?

I did.

-̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶ -̶̶•-̶̶•̸Ϟ•̸•̸Ϟ•̸-̶̶•-̶

We often think of loneliness as a feeling that comes out when we are alone. A person who lives alone, for example, may be thought of as being lonely because living in such a lone existence. The assumption might perhaps be true, but not always be the case.

An important aspect of loneliness that matters the most is not the low quantity or the zero amount of people we have around us, but the quality we have with those people. Have you ever been in the middle of a crowded union of people in a public place where folks are bustling in and out the building, minding their own business, like the picture above? I have, and in the midst of such environment, I felt it.

A surrounding like the picture above can serve as a trigger, inviting the feeling to slowly resurfacing. How? In my case, the lack of connection I experience to anyone around me in a public place always puzzles me. In a room so crowded where you have to watch your step without bumping into someone or being elbowed by someone, how can I, or anyone, feel so detached? I could disappear in that crowd and no one would notice or care. It seems that the more people in the room, the more unostentatious, hidden, and muted I could become.

Lacking connection or feeling unable to build connection with anyone is the key. Many reasons to explain why a person can lack a feeling of connection to anyone in a crowded environment. It could be a lack of confidence that has prevented a person from striking a conversation, or it could be a lack of warmth and openness from the environment, or both. Either way, something is preventing that person from making a connection.

If we analyze it deeper, sometimes it is a battle in the mind that acts as a barrier. In my case, for example, I felt “less” than the other people in the room. I compared my life to them and focused on what they had that I didn’t have. No wonder it affected my self-esteem, discouraged me, and left me unhappy — it was a perfect thinking formula to trigger loneliness.

Our thinking pattern therefore, is what we need to be paying attention to, which will take a long term practice to master. Onto what road path our thinking is leading us into, is something that we can be mindful of. For more information about learning to control our thinking pattern, I will refer to an article I read today about Struggling with Overthinking, which I find very useful. How to practice controlling overthinking is a topic that perhaps I will touch upon as a separate writing in the future.

The point for now is, every person can learn NOT to be lonely…by getting to know our own mindset and learning to control it.

So, happy learning.

*****

Day 4: A Story in a Single Image, from the Everyday Inspiration Writing Challenge.

 

Hope

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Image is titled Flower, Bud, Hope by juchjn, from pixabay.com

hope is such a tease

it tickles, flirt with what if

yet promises none

*****

Please join Marie’s haiku prompt challenge at The Syllabub Sea. Today’s prompt is Please and Tease

A Secret Home

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Image is titled Moon Over the Ocean by shamatana76 from Deviant Art

when shadow leaves your side
let silence keep you company,
let water be witness,
wind carry your anguish

tell the moon your secret
let it carry your pain
for it knows no ending,
only possibilities

behind that yellow glow
lay many lost souls
whenever you alone
look far beyond the storm

amidst the veil
a faceless sanctuary

*****

Day 3 Everyday Inspiration Challenge

Day 2: Life is about Making a List

Really? Is life truly about making a list? When was the list time you made a list? I normally don’t make a list. List and I are not close friends. I consider list as constricting, limiting. I therefore tend to stay away from making a list, but look at me now.

 

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Image taken from pexels.com

It’s day 2 of the Finding Everyday Inspiration challenges. Don’t ask how many more days, but I sure hope I can reach the end without any stopping. God knows how I’m not good with discipline. Well, I guess this is a test. Can I make it to the finish line with this challenge? We shall see.

Today’s topic is Make a List. The challenge gave me four lists to choose, and the rebellious side of me is itchy to come out because I don’t like any of them! I’m supposed to pick one between Things I Like, Things I’ve Learned, Things I Wish, and Things I’m Good At.  And here’s my pick: Things I’d Like to Learn.

Good enough! Let’s do this. *cracking knuckles*

1. To let go. 

Growing up in a household where everyone had a tendency to control things and difficulty to let things happened on their own, I inevitably learned the same style of approaching life. Being a quick learner by observing others, unfortunately I adapted to that thinking style and carried it throughout my childhood and adult life. Only perhaps in the last one year I slowly unlearned that way of thinking…in a hard way. What I mean by hard way is by making a lot of mistakes and then learning from those mistakes. I fell way too many times in my life, but luckily I got up, even with bruises and wound that have never healed completely. This is something that I’m still learning to do. I am seeing an improvement, though. After a while, it’s just exhausting to keep falling down. No more.

2. To love myself. 

Another tough one. Also, because throughout childhood I never learned it. Nobody taught me that it was such a necessary one to have. I realize now that this is especially an important skill for women, and therefore it needs to be taught early in life. Young girls need to learn this mindset and concept in order to be able to survive in the world that, let’s admit it, run by men.

3. To love, instead of to have or to own. 

This is about loving other people or a special person. I’d like to know how it feels to love a person without not thinking that I own him or that he is mine. I think it’s an incredible kind of love. I know it exists, it can exist, and it takes a lot of understanding, self-growing, big heart to be able to accomplish it. I intend to learn it. And don’t you think that it’s a lot easier too? That to have a love like that is so much lighter, happier? To love without a wish, a want, and perhaps hope. If hope does exist in that kind of love, it is not to be together, but to be just it. To be able to continue to love, to be able to continue to feel the love in my heart and never lose it. I own the feeling, the love, but not the person.

 

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Image taken from pexels.com

While writing the list above, I realized that I have another list I’d like to declare. And I title it Things that I’d Like to Do More Often:

  1. To laugh
  2. To see sunrise
  3. To see sunset
  4. To encourage younger people, especially young children, to read more
  5. To work harder to reach my dream
  6. To give more
  7. To have less, including needs, wants, expectations, and even hope. Keep ’em to a minimum, just the basic ones.
  8. To exercise
  9. To be adventurous
  10. To enjoy music and sing along

 

What a wonderful writing exercise as it turns out. But I think I should stop here. The idea of getting comfortable with making list is a bit too scary.

But I hope you get the message. I guess list is okay, if you use it the right way, which is to get to know yourself more.

Have a joyous journey!

love-myself

*****

Day 1: Why Do I Write?

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I write because I hear voices…

No, just kidding. My apology if that sounds unkind. Just trying to start my essay with some catchy words.

But putting joke aside, it is to me akin to hearing voices, although not in that sense. I write because I saw, overheard, or read something and then it was as if a voice, an energy, was pulling me toward my laptop (or a piece of paper if I didn’t have my gadget with me) and transferring what I experienced into writing. Sometimes I had to do it right away because if I waited, it would be forgotten later. And when I say it was like an energy, perhaps it was. I wouldn’t feel satisfied or calmed before I wrote it down. In other words, I write because something is pulling me to it. It’s as if I have to. I have to write it down. Just have to share it.

That’s it, share! I write because deep down in my heart, I love sharing. I value sharing, or communication in that matter. Without sharing and communication, this world means nothing or things will not work out well. Of course, we have to be cautious of what we share. Nevertheless, sharing connects people. Sharing is a form of intimacy, and it is healthy, rather than keeping things inside. When I feel afraid or intimidated to share how I feel with someone, it is then that I know I no longer feel close or intimate to that person, let alone trust. Sharing is the fruit of trust.

A friend of mine told me one time about my writing style. She said that sometimes she was amazed at how much sharing I could put into my writing. What a lovely feedback, which appreciated very much. However, the feedback didn’t deter me from continuing my style of writing. I will share a part of me as much as I think it would somehow help others too, but I also believe that every writer has a part of him or herself that will always remain a secret. Writers just know where to draw the line.

True, there was a time when I couldn’t write. I think it was because my attention was distracted and directed onto something else in my life, which now looking back into it, I should have actually still continued writing. Writing and those other things in my life should go hand in hand, instead of those other things taking over my passion in writing. Once I refocused my life, I realize that writing is it. This is the part of my life that I am good at and can be proud of. I’m not an expert in writing, but I’m proud of it. What I have accomplished so far has been self-taught (autodidact). Never took any course, but gulped a ton of books, and that’s how I learned to write. In my previous blog, I challenged myself often to finish writing prompts and poetry challenges. I’m restarting it now. The positive feeling is the reason why I write. I’d like to improve more in my writing skills and produce something.

I am also bilingual — fluent in speaking, reading, and writing in Bahasa Indonesia and English. The bilingual part is both my strength and my weakness, and also another reason why I write. I would like to contribute to the writing world with my bilingual skills. I don’t know yet how I’m going to do it, but I plan to accomplish something in that aspect.

So, these are the reasons why I write. What about you? Why do you write?

*****

Evanescent

Daily Prompt: WordPress Challenge: Evanescent

Your glow is dimming, ever so gently

taking your glare with you, fading into the abyss

I start to look, for any sign

perhaps some footsteps, left by your shadow

and find hollow instead.

Your existence,

a fleeting moment,

an evanescence.

~~~~~ *** ~~~~~

The pictures below were taken during a precious moment in my life. I didn’t know it yet then that it was a period of change, that my life would forever change because I came to the place shown in these images. The place represents tranquility, peace, a time for contemplation, but it also now holds a grief. The place always reminds me of certain individuals who I keep close to my heart, but I don’t know why I somehow feel that they are drifting away.  I’m afraid that they are slowly…becoming an evanescence.

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Blue sky

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Please tell me that this is just my fear, that my thinking has no ground. Please tell me so.

*****