Hai Kawan (2)

Kenangan

Ibarat sebuah lukisan
dengan kuas yang sudah disiapkan oleh Sang Pencipta
setiap kali kau menyapa fajar,
lukisan seperti apa yang ingin kau hasilkan
di atas kanvas putih hati yang baru?

Pasti ada cerita di balik setiap gambar,
mungkin lukisanmu ternoda kekecewaan atau tangisan getir
atau kuasmu tergerak tawa dan canda
apapun itu, lukislah dengan hati
bukti kau pernah menapakkan jejak di dunia ini

##Kenangan

How Opening My Chakras has Changed Me

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“Growth through Wisdom” – artwork through Bindu Creative Wellness (found through http://www.radiant-women.com/inspired-self-healing-program)

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon after giving a talk in a seminar earlier that day for over two hours and my body felt like crashing when a notification showed up on my cell phone, telling me that I had a message on my Instagram account. I dismissed it as just another click of “like” on one of the pictures I posted. It wasn’t until later at night when I opened the Instagram that I realized it was a comment from a friend. The comment was made on the image of chakra meditation I posted a few days ago. It was an image I stole from the internet, not my own, to announce my newest interest in daily routine. Isn’t that the purpose of Instagram — that people use it to announce something about themselves, right? Anyway, my friend had inquired about my post and asked me the following question, “What specific needs did you get from it that other types of meditation don’t offer?” It was an intriguing question, and it got me to produce this writing after not writing for quite some time…and in English too.

It’s been a while, dear friends. To say that I’ve been busy in my life may sound like a cliché, but it’s true. I would love to be able to produce more writings, but my attention has been taken away to concentrate on my needs, on me. Sounds selfish, but self-healing requires perhaps a bit of selfishness. Nobody else is going to take care of me other than myself, so I decided to try some new activities as part of my self-healing. I don’t know where and how to start my story about my journey of self-healing within these past 2 or 3 months, or maybe even longer than that, but I will try to do it anyway. It has started somewhat slowly about 6 months ago when I got a chance to deepen my faith in my religion and did a deep soul-searching trip inside myself, asking many thought-provoking questions and daring to look into my past. Many people and activities I’ve done have helped me so far, and chakra meditation is just one of them. This essay is meant to answer my friend’s question, but also deeper than that. It’s my own recollection of my journey in improving my view of my self and the world.

I admit that I am not an expert in chakra meditation. I’ve only been doing it for maybe only 2 weeks so far, but on a daily basis. I can only testify as according to my experiences so far. I have known about chakra meditation before but never tried it. About two weeks ago, I went out of town and stayed in a hotel that uses some words explaining about chakras as part of its decoration. The name of the hotel is Good Karma, so that explains about the decoration. I took a picture of each of those 7 writings of chakra, and that still did not raise my interest yet to try them. About a few days later, I was browsing google play store on my phone looking for some peaceful meditational sounds or music to help me relaxing before sleep, and somehow coming across an app called Chakra Meditation and Healing after a series of installing many meditational apps beforehand only to uninstalling them right away again. Many of them were awful, trash, just full of advertisement. Some of them are just confusing to use. This chakra app though, has been accompanying me daily ever since.

What do I like about it? Probably because the guided chakra meditation is easy to follow, the human voice is very peaceful and soft, and then of course, the self-confirmation statements that are part of every chakra session. I have since tried to search on the internet and other chakra apps to see if self-confirmation statements are always part of chakra meditation. The answer is no. The one that I downloaded is the only one containing self-confirmation statements – sentences that I can repeat as positive messages to myself. Those statements were the first ones that hooked me into this chakra meditation. They made me realized that chakra meditation actually has a psychological aspect to it. However, after trying chakra meditation through the app over and over for several days, I realize that it is not only about self-confirmation statements. I truly feel something has changed in me, not just because of those statements, but also something else…within me, inside my body, in the way I think, how I feel about me and my body, and how I view my world. So then what is the conclusion of this? Could it be that the chakras in my body have opened up and become synchronized? I did not believe on those things in the past, but after experiencing everything that I have done, I’m starting to believe that there has been a renewal flow of energy inside my body.

What I have experienced is obviously unique and specific to me only. Others may not experience it the same way. Chakra meditation may not always work. I was a skeptic, did not complete believe fully in the concept of flow of energy within the body. I believe in the concept of prayers, in the practices according to my religion. I believe in the concept of thinking, feeling and behaving. But obviously, everything that I believed before was not enough to get me able to think as positive as I do now. Something was preventing me before. My mind could easily fall into a negative thinking, into endlessly worrying and distrusting people. A close person in my life, a special person, has been the blunt of my anger, worry, fear, and other negative thinking and feelings for these past 3 months, and even I at that time started to question myself on why did I continue to feel insecure about myself? Even after reading a book about Self-Compassion, I still could not love myself and forgive my past. I continued to be angry and fearful, and in that process, push people away. And I have tried everything too according to my faith and my background in psychology, but still to no avail. I could teach psychology, encourage other people to improve themselves, give them advice, but be pitiful in regards to my own life. I started to wonder too, and got tired of myself too. Why couldn’t I love myself? Why did I continue to doubt myself? Why couldn’t I forgive my past?

Then, something else happened too, something that I experienced a few days after I started the chakra meditation. I have been reading a book by an Indonesian back-packer traveler named Agustinus Wibowo. The book is titled Titik Nol or Zero Point. I believe the book has been translated into English and can be found on Amazon. One day as I was reading it, I came across a passage in the book.

“…hidup itu adalah sebilah cermin. Dunia di matamu sesungguhnya adalah cerminan dari hatimu sendiri. Caramu memandang dunia adalah caramu memandang diri.”

“…Life is a mirror. The world in your eyes is actually a reflection of your own heart. The way you view the world is the way you see yourself.”

When I met someone special or came across something that is powerful, such as the statement above, I always experienced this feeling as if my face had just been slapped, like I’ve just been knocked down on the ground. I knew when I read that statement that it was speaking to me because it hit me so hard. Nothing is coincidence in this world — I believe in it strongly. Therefore, I took it that my God, the God that has been my source of strength, wanted me to read that statement. However, if my mind was not ready to see that special message, I would not be able to understood it as something special. Luckily, I have been preparing myself through the self-healing journey I started months before, and God has allowed me to meet some people (or angels as I’d like to view them) that have shaped and influenced me positively along the way. Thus, when I saw that book passage, I was ready and my heart was open.

What was so interesting with that statement from the book? It actually brought me to the next questions, “How have I viewed the world all this time, throughout my life? How do I view my self?” I didn’t know the answer right away at first. It took a long afternoon walk in my neighborhood, under a beautiful sunset and with nature all around me, that I finally found the answer.

The truth is, would I be able to courageously look deeper inside me and admit my view of life and myself if it weren’t for the long self-healing journey that I have been on in the past few months? Including the chakra meditation? Well, I can’t say for sure yes or no, but I’d like to think that everything that I have encountered and experienced so far has helped me to get to the answer that has finally changed my view of this world…and more importantly, of myself. Though the self-healing process has been long and difficult because only a few people know the ups and downs that I have been through, I truly believe that every part of the journey was something that I HAD to go through in order to be able to get to this point. Without those many moments of anguish and tears and screaming, I would not be able to understand the message that God has sent me. And for all that I have been through and everyone that has helped, I thank you all, including that Chakra Meditation app.

And that is my answer to my friend’s question. A type of meditation can only be useful to you if it is meant to touch you. So find your own self-healing that fits you. It may be chakra meditation or it something else. Just start your own journey if you haven’t started it, and open your heart to those in life that are meant to be part of your healing process.

Antara Mengetahui, Memahami, dan Menyadari

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Pada akhir pekan ini saya diberi kesempatan oleh Tuhan Yang Maha Kuasa melalui tangan para malaikatnya untuk menemukan banyak pemahaman baru. Salah satu pemahaman baru itu adalah perbedaan antara mengetahui, memahami, dan menyadari, dengan mengetahui sebagai level yang terendah dan menyadari sebagai level kognitif yang tertinggi. Bila bertanya pada kamus Bahasa Indonesia, ketiga kata itu mungkin bisa menjadi sinonim antara satu dengan yang lain. Misalnya, kita bertanya pada Oom Google apa sinonim dari mengetahui, maka kata-kata yang akan muncul salah duanya adalah memahami dan menyadari. (Silakan dibuktikan sendiri).

Selama 3 bulan terakhir, saya menggumuli suatu kenyataan mengenai diriku yang menurut pemikiranku sebelum saya memulai pergumulan ini adalah sesuatu yang sudah selesai saya gumulkan dan gulati sampai jatuh bangun, keringat basah kuyup, babak belur selama bertahun-tahun dalam perjalanan hidupku. Oh, betapa dangkalnya pemikiranku. Ternyata, kenyataan yang pikirku sudah tuntas itu belum selesai. Paling tidak belum selesai sepenuhnya. Pada akhir pekan ini, Tuhan membimbing saya untuk menyadari bahwa level proses perubahan di pemikiranku itu mungkin hanya mencapai level memahami saja — belum sampai pada level menyadari. Kalau level mengetahui itu ibarat membaca suatu kutipan kata-kata mutiara yang sering kita lihat akhir-akhir ini di media sosial dalam bentuk foto atau gambar yang disertai dengan kata-kata yang membuat kita kagum dan menggumamkan, “Oh, bagus ini” sehingga tergeraklah jari kita untuk memencet Like di bawah foto itu, memahami atau mengerti itu adalah pemahaman yang menggerakkan kepala kita untuk manggut-manggut karena kita mampu mengaitkan apa yang kita baca itu dengan dunia sehari-hari kita. Mungkin saat membaca kata-kata itu kita mengingat suatu kejadian yang kita lihat atau alami, sehingga tergeraklah hati kita untuk men-sharingkan kata dan gambar itu di wall media sosial kita juga. Akan tetapi, sudah benar-benar sadarkah kita mengenai arti kata-kata itu? Akan menimbulkan perubahankah dalam hidup kita sekarang sesudah membaca kata-kata itu?

Menyadari dalam arti yang sesungguhnya bagi saya adalah saat seperti tertampar. Hari ini dan kemarin, wajah saya ditampar oleh suatu kesadaran yang bukan hanya membuatku manggut-manggut saja, tapi juga malu. Iya, malu. Malu karena baru menyadari betapa selama ini saya sudah mengetahui dan memahami semua yang baru saja saya sadari, tapi membutuhkanku waktu yang sangat lama (bertahun-tahun) untuk akhirnya sampai pada tahap hidupku sekarang di mana aku baru bisa menggabungkan semua yang sudah aku dapatkan menjadi SATU pemahaman keseluruhan. Menurutku, inilah yang namanya level KESADARAN. Sadar sepenuhnya tanpa ada lagi keraguan, kebohongan terhadap diri sendiri, ketidakpastian, penyangkalan. Kesadaran dalam arti melihat keseluruhan kehidupanku dan diriku sendiri tanpa ada batasan lagi. Menelanjangi diriku sendiri, sampai semua bagian dari kepribadianku, tabiatku yang jelek, yang tidak kusukai, yang memalukanku, yang menghantuiku, kulihat semua. Tak ada lagi pembatas. Tak ada lagi denial, atau benteng-benteng yang lain. Ini adalah kesadaran yang tidak lagi membuat kita menunggu untuk kapan akan memulai perubahan. Ini adalah kesadaran yang dapat membuat kita segera melakukan tindakan untuk memulai perubahan. Agak sedih juga sebenarnya saat menyadari bahwa semua perjalan hidupku sampai ke tahap menyadari ini “hanya” membutuhkanku 44 tahun saja 😀 Yah, tapi lebih baik 44 tahun daripada tidak sama sekali.

Apa itu yang aku sadari bukan fokus dari tulisan ini. Setiap individu mempunyai “apa” yang perlu disadari. Bagian “apa” ini akan berbeda-beda antara satu sama lain. Bagian yang mau saya fokuskan adalah mengenai “bagaimana”. Yang pertama, seperti yang sudah saya lukiskan di atas, ini bisa dimulai dengan mencoba membayangkan seseorang yang sudah jatuh bangun beberapa kali, babak belur, dan keringat membasahi tubuhnya setelah berlari ke sana dan ke mari selama bertahun-tahun tanpa tahu dengan pasti apa sebenarnya yang dikejar, dan akhirnya merasakan lelah yang luar biasa. Beberapa dari kita manusia di dunia ini mungkin sudah sangat beruntung untuk pernah mengalami skenario di atas. Berbahagialah dan bersyukurlah sudah pernah mengalaminya karena hanya dengan dorongan yang seperti itu — dan disertai keinginan dan harapan untuk teruas bertanya dan mencari dengan meminta bantuan Tuhan — saya yakin suatu saat kita akan sampai pada tahap menyadari ini. Dengan kata lain, jalannya mungkin akan panjang dan berliku, tapi dengan iman dan keinginan untuk mau selalu menjadi lebih baik lagi, semuanya akan ada waktu dan tempatnya untuk sampai ke tempat yang Tuhan sudah sediakan buat kita.

Yang kedua, ternyata selama ini saya tidak pernah sendirian. Kalau saya perhatikan secara seksama, Tuhan sudah menyediakan malaikat-malaikatnya untuk menemani dan menuntunku. Hanya saya yang buta selama ini. Waktunya juga tepat untuk kapan malaikat-malaikat itu datang dan masuk ke dalam hidupku. Saya yang belajar bahwa kehadiran malaikat-malaikat yang berwujud manusia itu memang datang tanpa saya sadari dan campur-tangan mereka juga terjalin dengan alaminya tanpa saya sadari. Itulah indahnya hidup ini menurutku. Semuanya diawali dengan ketidaksadaran, dan saat kita sampai pada tahap kesadaran, luar biasa tamparan itu. Kejutan itu memang mengagetkan, tapi juga bisa menjadi sesuatu yang indah. Bagaikan mendapatkan hadiah yang selama ini kita impikan dan sekarang hadiah itu tiba-tiba ada di hadapan kita. Surprise!

Bagian “bagaimana” untuk sampai ke tahap kesadaran inilah yang menurutku sangat indah. It was worth it to wait all this time, to hope all this time. Jangan menyerah dalam harapan untuk bisa sampai pada tahap menyadari ini. Semoga Tuhan memberkati perjalanan kita semua.

New Year’s Resolution

It’s the middle of January and I think it’s a perfect time to discuss about new year resolution, don’t you think? Have I started it? Checked! Have I struggled with it? Checked! Have I frustrated myself with it? Double-checked!

I usually don’t have a new year’s resolution. Not the type who follows it, actually. And the times when I did have one, they usually failed. But I think that is typical for a new year’s resolution. This time, I thought of starting one. It may sound simple and short, but it ain’t simple whatsoever, I can tell you that. I’m continuously reminded how difficult the process of doing it, maintaining it, and repeating it.

If I may reflect on the question why it has been difficult, the answer lies on the fact that my resolution involves other people. Even though it actually sounds like something that can be done alone, it doesn’t translate in real life situation as something that can be done alone. To successfully do it, I constantly will need other people. How so you may ask? I need other people by relating to them, making connection with them, reflecting on their response to me, hearing their feedback about me, and so on. And in doing so, I learn what I need to learn in order to accomplish my resolution.

I understand that this is a PROCESS. It needs time, and I may need more than a year to do this. This year just marks the beginning of me making a change in my life. Let’s hope that I can continuously do so. So far, the year 2017 has been going on for about three weeks, and I have been experiencing many ups and downs in relation to the new year resolution. I will continue to stick to it, no matter how painful it can be sometimes. God only knows how much I need to do this. Enough is enough with the past. I need to be better.

My new year’s resolution is short and straight-forward. My new year’s resolution is simple, but not so simple.

It is: To Love My Self Better.

love-myself-by-rudy-fransisco-2

 

Hope

All things start
and all things come
to an end, but
have we not forgotten
how to smile, have fun and
be thankful
while walking on this journey
together?
Let the eyes
of the universe
be the unspoken witness,
who silently praying for
those lost
and lonely
souls.

 

Originally published on January 2016 in another blog of mine.