Finding Home with Najwa Zebian’s Words

Finding Home Through Poetry by Najwa Zebian.

“The biggest mistake that we make is that we build our homes in other people” ~Najwa Zebian.

This is my story of how words of a stranger can leave a mark on our soul, forever changed us. In this case, her words changed me to become better. I saw Najwa Zebian’s video a while ago on Instagram, and the first time I saw it, her words spoke to me immediately. Ever since I made a vow to write more (and if possible, daily), I knew that I would go back to her words again and blog it. The talk is about finding “home,” but not home as a ‘building’ or a house. It’s about finding our emotional home, a spiritual one.

I had to think hard about the true meaning of “building homes in other people” by connecting them into my own journey. I had to ask myself hard questions,

“Why do I keep on failing in relationship? Where in that relationship when I started to go down the wrong path, made a wrong turn, and then got lost? What were my expectations, and because I kept on failing, were my expectations always wrong then this whole time?”

Home. I keep going back to that word too.

“Have I been building homes in wrong places? If I am not supposed to build it in other people, where should I be building it?”

When I watched that video for the first time, I already knew the answer of where to build it. Mawlana Jawaharlal Rumi put it so well when he said (translated into English): “I searched for God and found only myself. I searched for myself and found only God.” God and I have never been separated throughout my life. I just pushed Him away many many times when I failed to build my home in Him. I should have built my first home there a long time ago. Better late than never reached this point.

Building my home in God is something that I continue to do. In that case, I should probably ask myself whether I am done then? I did, and I thought the answer was yes, but I still found myself still tripping over stones, falling down on my face. If building home in God is enough, then why I still got lost?

I think my work with God will not be enough if I, myself, have not put a lot of thought and effort to harvest the fruit of my faith. In other words, I have to build a home inside of me too —  me as my home —  in order to complete my home. Mind you, this part is the tough one. Several questions came to me, and they are not easy to answer.

  • Can I be comfortable in my own skin, with all of me? Strengths and fragility?

 

  • Can I rely on myself to make me stronger? Be my own cheerleader in times of strain, with God as my support?

 

  • Can I love myself that much? Love me enough so that I can call my “inner self” as home? Love me enough so that I can feel happy and comfortable when I am alone?

 

  • Can I forgive myself, especially after what I’ve done…to him? To them in the past?

 

These are all questions that I have to contemplate, on my own, in my own time, at my own pace. I need not hurry in doing it, just as along as I do it. Thank you, Najwa, for opening my eyes. It’s my task now too find my own way home.

****

Let It Be

“It’s not a matter of letting go — you would if you could. Instead of “Let it go” we should probably say “Let it be.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn.

What can I write after a 17-hour work day? Yes, you read it right. It’s one of those days. So then I went back into my previous Instagram postings and a quote caught my attention. It’s the quote above, about Let it go and Let it be.

It says basically that let it be is better than let it go. Well, I did both. I tried to do the let-it-be thing. Not working. So I did my best. I let go. And in that process of letting go, I think I learn to let it be.

The difference between let it go and let it be is actually very subtle. My take up on the difference is that to let it go means to have it done, finish, whereas to let it be doesn’t always mean that it is over. At the end of last week, I did a let-it-go. I took a decision to end a relationship. I did it once (or maybe more than once) before, and I regretted it. The relationship has been rocky, gone through many trials, challenges. But this time around, I didn’t regret it. I took it that it was for the best because I had truly completely felt lost, confused, trapped against a wall and could not go anywhere unless I did something drastic. I felt like I was going mad. I had to do something, and because I felt trapped , I could only did the one thing that came to my mind: I forced myself to break free. So I let go. It hurt so much on that day, it hurt the next day, and the day after, and continues.

But as the day goes on, I discover that the pain subsides. I realize that the anger, the blaming, the feeling sorry for my self, are slowly decreasing, getting lighter. It is possible too that my heavy schedule for the past few days are helping because it takes my mind away from my pain. But whatever it is that is helping me, I am thankful. It could also be that discovering yesterday about my friend who is having a difficult time has made me realize of how fortunate I am. I have plenty to be thankful for.

Like I said earlier, I think in the process of letting go, I found the path to let it be. Instead of surrendering to the idea of wanting to go back to the relationship and reaching out to him, I instead tried to let it be. Just let it be. Just let time takes care of it. Let God take control. I learn to leave it to Him. There’s no hurry. In this process of learning, I then remember another quote.

if it comes let it - if it goes let it

Image taken from quotesndnotes.tumblr.com

I don’t know what will happen in the future, but I give up on trying to think about it because it may invite pain to arrive at the door again. And also, because right now, my brain is quite tired. So good night, good day, world. I bid you adieu for now. Until tomorrow.

Fighting Depression

pexels-photo-207247.jpeg

Image taken from pexels.com

 

An old enemy is back, officially. Is it an enemy or a friend? Actually, I’m not too sure, but the most important thing is, it is back. It has a name. It’s called depression. I’ve known it well. Had met it before, a few times.

A friend or a foe, whatever it is, I am fighting it. It’s crippling for sure. It’s trying to take me down. Sorry, bud. You are still a foe, an enemy, I think. Because then why would I have to fight you?

Perhaps my angel is keeping an eye on me, because an old friend sent me a video yesterday. I watched it today and it was about fighting depression. Coincidence? Serendipity? I don’t think so. Things happen for a reason. The video is about a drug that can possibly be used to PREVENT depression and PTSD. Prevent! Instead of waiting for the enemy to come back, it can be prevented from showing up at all. But hold on the excitement, it will still take years for it probably to be available because it was just recently discovered. Oh well.

Here is the link to the video titled “Could a Drug Prevent Depression and PTSD?

This essay is also a testimony for something that I admit I have, that this thing has a way to creep into my daily life once in a while. I would like to say that it is okay to have it. It’s something that I have accepted, although I know it doesn’t come without a fight. It’s a debilitating thought process, but I know I can get through it. And for my readers and friends out there, I want you to know that there are things we all can do to manage depression. You can find many videos that talk about this.

For me and what I can do in this fight against depression, I would like to share some of my writings in the future that may touch on this issue, particularly about the process of debilitating thinking process that is often experienced in cases of depression. Depression is about a thinking process that can go out of control and lead to decisions and actions that may cause more suffering in the end. Depression is a mental illness, it needs to be paid attention to, but we don’t have to succumb to it. That debilitating thinking process can be recognized and handled, although it will take plenty of practices, many failures, before mastering it.

God bless you, God bless us all.

 

Ajaib (2)

Perlahan kami berdua keluar dari balik pintu depan gedung. Jalan terlihat sepi tapi tidak jelas apakah aman atau tidak. Samar-samar kami mendengar suara dari jarak jauh, suara teriakan seseorang. Bukan teriakan lagi sebenarnya, lebih mirip suara menjerit yang membuat bulu kuduk siapapun yang mendengarkan pasti berdiri. Seluruh tubuhku merinding. Yang lebih sulit diatasi sebenarnya detak jantung yang seperti sedang berlari sprint. Aku sendiri kurang yakin apakah kaki ini masih bisa diajak bekerja sama untuk membawaku pergi dari tempat ini secepat mungkin. Teman yang di sampingku ini juga aku ragukan bisa melakukan hal yang sama, tapi kami tidak punya pilihan lain. Aku tidak tahu siapa dia atau siapa namanya, wajahnya pun tidak aku kenal, walaupun sepertinya aku pernah bertemu dengannya sebelum ini. Tapi tidak masalah siapapun dia dan identitasnya. Yang penting, sekarang tinggal kami berdua, dan mau tidak mau kami harus saling membantu sebisa mungkin.

Dengan beringsut-ingsut, kami mulai bergerak ke arah jalan kecil di depan rumah makan sambil terus menengok kanan dan kiri. Seluruh kemampuan pendengaran kami sepertinya sedang dalam posisi siap siaga. Suara sekecil apapun, bahkan dengingan dari kepakan sayap kecoa pun bisa kami dengarkan saat itu.

“Ayo cepetan!” desisku kepada teman di belakangku, agak tidak sabar melihat caranya yang menurutku terlalu pelan.

“Kita harus bergerak cepat dan lari begitu sampai di jalan,” bisikku sekali lagi, yang dibalas dengan anggukan samar-samar darinya.

Aku sempat menangkap tatapan matanya, dan tak ada satu kata yang perlu ia katakan. Tatapan itu sudah cukup. Kami berdua bisa membaca pikiran masing-masing. Warna muka kami berdua mungkin sudah sama dengan cat putih tembok rumah yang sekarang menjadi latar belakang kami. Tanpa banyak tanaman di sekeliling, sebenarnya kami memposisikan diri di tempat yang rawan, terlalu mudah terdeteksi….tentu saja bila mereka bisa melihat. Namun berdasarkan apa yang kami lihat tadi, mereka sepertinya lebih bergantung pada penciuman. Penciuman terhadap apa? Tidak jelas juga, mungkin penciuman terhadap rasa takut? Apakah itu dari keringat, atau deru napas kami yang menderu-deru, entahlah. Pokoknya, mereka tidak perlu bersusah payah untuk mengetahui lokasi kami tadi. Tidak bisa dipungkiri lagi, mereka tidak bergantung pada penglihatan. Dengan muka tercabik-cabik seperti itu, kami yakin tidak melihat satu bola mata pun pada setiap wajah (kalau itu masih bisa dikatakan wajah) yang mengejar kami tadi.

“Siap?” tanyaku sambil memberikan isyarat melalui tatapan mata.

Temanku cuma bisa mengangguk. Akupun memberi kode dengan jari, 1, 2,…3! Dan dengan secepat kekuatan seekor kijang yang penuh ketakutan kamipun melesat lari ke arah yang berlawanan dari datangnya suara jeritan tadi. Lari, lari dan lari. Cuma itu yang bisa kami lakukan. Tak ada lagi yang ada dalam pikiran kami kecuali lari secepat mungkin ke tempat yang kami harap lebih aman. Sambil berlari kucoba memasang pendengaranku. Apakah ada langkah-langkah lari mengikuti di belakang kami? Apakah kami masih sendirian? Ada keinginan untuk menoleh, tapi hati sudah tak kuat lagi. Kami harus mencapai tujuan kami, tapi entah kenapa, tujuan itu sudah menjadi tak jelas lagi. Kami hanya tahu bahwa kami harus terus berlari dan berlari.

________________________________________

Cuplikan skenario di atas hanyalah suatu bagian kecil saja dari keseluruhan mimpi yang kualami semalam. Yah, hanya sebuah mimpi memang. Sebuah mimpi dengan kekuatan dahsyat, cukup untuk membuatku terbangun dalam keadaan seperti tidak pernah tidur sedetikpun. Dan itu cuma cuplikan yang ringan saja. Bagian-bagian yang penuh lumuran darah tidak perlu saya jabarkan di sini. 

Ada yang bisa tebak itu mimpi apa? Benar, mimpi mengenai zombie. Seumur hidupku belum pernah mengalami mimpi yang terkait dengan zombie. Jangankan mimpi, yang namanya bacaan atau film terkait zombie pun bukan sesuatu yang aku sukai, apalagi saat sendirian.

Mimpi, dalam dunia ilmu psikologi, adalah indikasi suatu bentuk pemikiran atau keinginan yang terjadi di alam bawah sadar dan terbawa dalam mimpi, sehingga ada yang namanya interpretasi mimpi. Terbangun dalam keadaan ketakutan, tanpa berpikir panjang (karena memang masih kusut dari bangun tidur yang penuh gejolak itu), aku langsung mencari Oom Google untuk bertanya tentang makna mimpi zombie. Demi tujuan berbagi, ini beberapa yang aku dapatkan mengenai arti mimpi zombie dalam bahasa Inggris.

Zombies in dreams are a sign that you are not thinking independently or objectively. It also suggests that you are giving up your ability to make independent choices because a person or situation has you in a “trance.” Someone or something else is influencing your decision making. To dream of running away from zombies represents your wish to avoid a person or situation that you feel is jealous of what you have. Avoiding an annoying follower. You may fear losing what you have to someone else’s jealousy. You may also fear losing something special because someone jealous is desperate to pull you down with them. (http://www.dreambible.com/search.php?q=Zombies)

To dream that you are attacked by zombies indicate that you are feeling overwhelmed by forces beyond your control. You are under tremendous stress in your waking life. Alternatively, the dream represents your fears of being helpless and overpowered. (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/z.htm)

Zombie symbolizes aggressive and unwelcome intrusion into your psyche, your soul. There is such a concept as “zombieing”. Perhaps someone is trying to program and zombie your mind to manipulate you for own purposes. You need to analyze your circle of contacts, to identify these people, and to protect yourself from their presence in your life. It is possible that together with the revival of the dead, revived your fears and complexes, unpleasant situations, bad habits, negative emotions and stress. A dreaming about zombies is a sign that in real life you take a step back, returning to the forgotten period that was long time forgotten. One of the unfinished business and troubles may suddenly reappear and remind about itself. If you dream as if zombies attack you, it bodes that you will once again go through the previous errors. It is too bad if you have started new business in reality, because a dream about zombies limits its potential. It would seem like someone forcibly takes away all your power and energy. (http://globe-views.com/dreams/zombie.html)

Interpretasi mana yang paling tepat menurutku sendiri untuk menjelaskan arti mimpiku? Itu adalah tugas refleksi malam ini. Tapi yang pasti, ini adalah suatu pengalaman baru. Aku ingat bahwa sempat terungkap di posting blog sebelumnya keinginan untuk mendapatkan pengalaman-pengalaman ‘ajaib’ sebagai bahan ide untuk menulis blog, tapi tidak pernah menduga ini jawabannya. Semoga pengalaman ajaib berikutku tidak seheboh ini lagi. 

Seingatku, mengalami mimpi di mana aku dikejar-kejar sesuatu yang menakutkan baru terjadi dua kali. Pertama kalinya itu terjadi saat aku barusan pindah tempat tinggal ke suatu negara lain dengan pengalaman proses adaptasi ke budaya baru yang termasuk sulit, tapi bukan dikejar oleh zombie dalam mimpi itu. Mengapa di kali kedua ini yang dipilih oleh otakku adalah zombie, itu masih belum sempat aku dalami lagi. Untuk saat ini, sudah cukup banyak yang perlu aku cerna. Mengapa misalnya aku bermimpi seperti ini? Ada apa dengan diriku sekarang? Dan seterusnya… 

Terimakasih sudah menyimak. Selamat malam, selamat beristirahat, dan selamat bermimpi.

Ajaib

Suatu hal yang aneh terjadi hari ini. Aku mengulurkan tangan–bukan untuk memberikan bantuan tapi untuk meminta bantuan–kepada seseorang yang selama hidupku baru kali ini aku lakukan. Saking butuh dan kusutnya aku mungkin pada saat itu, sehingga melakukan sesuatu yang tak terduga.

Waktu itu siang, menjelang sore. Sebenarnya sedang mau bersiap-siap untuk ke gereja dan barusan menyelesaikan sebuah puisi. Entah kenapa, mungkin ada unsur baper dari menulis puisi itu, tiba-tiba perasaan sedih yang sangat dalam menusukku perlahan. Mulainya pelan, diawali dengan munculnya perasaan tidak nyaman yang langsung bisa kurasakan di perut. Perut terasa agak terlilit. Aku mulai merasa gelisah dan berjalan mondar-mandir di dapur sambil mencoba melawan pemikiran-pemikiran negatif yang muncul bersamaan. Entah mereka datangnya dari mana tapi tiba-tiba menyerbu bersamaan seperti sudah janjian sebelumnya, sambil bergandengan tangan lagi, hadoh! Lalu perlahan muncul isakan yang kemudian bertambah kencang, sampai menjadi sedu sedan yang sudah tak terbendung lagi. Kegelisahan juga bertambah terus. Kemudian ada suara denting di hape. Sempat kutengok sebentar dan melihat ada pesan yang masuk di Whatsapp, yang ternyata dari kakakku. Sebenarnya kalau dipikir-pikir, sempat heran juga kenapa aku bisa menyempatkan diri untuk menengok hape di tengah-tengah kehebohanku? Sampai sekarang aku juga tidak bisa mengerti mengenai itu.

Pesan itu benar dari kakakku. Kalau ada yang mengenal keluarga kami dengan dekat, pasti sudah mulai tergelitik di bagian ini. Seumur hidupku, aku tidak pernah dekat dengan kakakku. Mungkin baru di satu atau dua tahun terakhir ini kami mulai perlahan menjadi dekat, tapi belum sampai pada tahap di mana aku meminta pertolongannya. Dan terlebih lagi, pertolongan untuk…curhat. Aku? Curhat? Ke dia? Mungkin ini karena unsur U(sia)? Mbuh.

Tapi mungkinkah juga karena campur tangan Tuhan? Pesannya di WA masuk pada saat yang tepat. Perlu diketahui, kakakku ini juga bukan…lebih tepatnya, kami berdua bukan tipe yang saling mengabari, berbincang, berdiskusi langsung, apalagi lewat hape, sehingga kemungkinan kami saling mengirimi pesan di WA itu juga masih tergolong langka. Tapi kenapa pesannya masuk pada saat itu? Di saat aku sedang kesulitan bernapas karena dilanda rasa duka yang datangnya bertubi-tubi, saat aku hampir kehilangan pikiran warasku, bergumul dengan pemikiran yang ingin ‘menyerah’ (atau lebih tepatnya bagaimana rasanya kalau semua rasa sakit itu bisa berhenti saat itu juga), pesan dari kakakku itu sepertinya sedang berusaha meraihku. Di situlah terjadi suatu keajaiban. Aku kemudian merasakan tarikan yang luar biasa untuk menghubunginya. Sebuah perdebatan sempat terjadi di pikiranku,

“Benarkah ini yang tepat untuk aku lakukan?” sahut suatu suara.

“Tidak, saya bisa tahan kok. Sudah pernah aku lakukan sebelumnya, masak tidak bisa saya atasi sendiri?” jawab suara lainnya.

“Tapi saya sudah tidak kuat lagi,” kembali ke suara pertama.

“Tunggu sebentar aja, pasti juga akan lewat kok. Kan biasanya juga begini?” sahut balik si suara kedua.

“Sungguh! Sakit sekali rasanya. Saya butuh berbicara dengan seseorang sekarang. Saya butuh keluarkan ini!” balik ke suara pertama lagi, dan seterusnya.

Tidak menunggu lama, mungkin cuma satu atau dua menit saja, akhirnya salah satu dari kedua tim debat di atas menang juga akhirnya, yaitu tim debat yang mewakili sudut hati yang membutuhkan seseorang. Dan aku pun menelpon kakakku akhirnya. Selebihnya tak perlu diceritakan, cukup untuk dicatat karena sudah menjadi sejarah.

Ingat, perlu dicatat! Hari ini menjadi hari bersejarah! Si dua bersaudara yang dari kecil pernah dipanggil Tom dan Jerry (nggak usah pusing deh mana yang Tom dan mana yang Jerry, pokoknya kucing dan tikus yang tak pernah akur!), akhirnya membuat lembaran hubungan yang baru. Kalau diingat-ingat sekarang, aku sebenarnya kasihan juga dengan kakakku. Dia mungkin sama shocknya denganku saat kuputuskan untuk menelpon. Dari nada suaranya bisa kubayangkan bagaimana heboh dan bingungnya dia juga di sana menerima telpon dari sang adik ter-kritis (bukan karena aku tipe orang yang kritis, tapi karena lebih sering mengkritiki dia).

Suatu keanehan memang terjadi hari ini, suatu keajaiban yang patut disyukuri. Masih banyak lagi yang bisa direfleksikan dari kejadian ini. KaryaNya, campur-tanganNya memang sering mengejutkan dan tak terduga, tapi tidak apa. Semakin banyak hal ajaib yang terjadi semakin bagus. Paling tidak, bisa dipakai untuk ide menulis setiap hari. Thank You, Lord! Dan Berkah Dalem untuk kita semua.

Akhir

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Kisah ini berawal di suatu hari yang cerah….

Kubuka dua hadiah pagi itu–kedua mataku
dan kaupun melangkah masuk
sadarkah kau tajamnya matamu telah membelahku, meniadakanku
jalanku berbelok arah mengikuti angin sejak itu

Kubuka sebuah hadiah lain pagi itu
juga dari Bapaku–untukmu
masih merah, mentah, tersentak bangun dari tidur yang panjang
terkoyak godaan sebuah keinginan, harapan

Namun sang pemimpi bertopengkan angan melawan kerapuhan
dengan berkendara waktu, berserah pada angin sebagai penentu arah
akhirnya terdampar di suatu tempat di mana lelah mencabik luka lama
dan mata pun mau tak mau berserah, tak lagi kuat

…..dan berakhir di suatu hari yang cerah juga.

Hai Kawan (2)

Kenangan

Ibarat sebuah lukisan
dengan kuas yang sudah disiapkan oleh Sang Pencipta
setiap kali kau menyapa fajar,
lukisan seperti apa yang ingin kau hasilkan
di atas kanvas putih hati yang baru?

Pasti ada cerita di balik setiap gambar,
mungkin lukisanmu ternoda kekecewaan atau tangisan getir
atau kuasmu tergerak tawa dan canda
apapun itu, lukislah dengan hati
bukti kau pernah menapakkan jejak di dunia ini

##Kenangan

Hai Kawan

emptiness.jpg

Image berjudul A Feeling of Emptiness oleh Jeff Masamori (diambil dari artlimited.net)

 

gelap warnamu,
menyeringai tak karuan dari balik muka yang kusut
bayanganmu, terlalu pekat
bahkan –
tak segelintir anginpun mau mengabari kedatanganmu
bila kau ingin datang,
tak ada yang bisa menahan

seperti biasa,
teriakan protesku tercekik oleh laraku sendiri
terjebak dalam putaran hasrat yang tak kunjung usai
dan akhirnya, di penghujung malam yang panjang,
hanya hampa yang tersisa,
menemani dalam kesunyian, mengisi waktu yang terputus

hai kawan,
kedatanganmu, membawa tangis
kepergianmu, keletihan

###Gundah

How Opening My Chakras has Changed Me

self-healing 1.jpg

“Growth through Wisdom” – artwork through Bindu Creative Wellness (found through http://www.radiant-women.com/inspired-self-healing-program)

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon after giving a talk in a seminar earlier that day for over two hours and my body felt like crashing when a notification showed up on my cell phone, telling me that I had a message on my Instagram account. I dismissed it as just another click of “like” on one of the pictures I posted. It wasn’t until later at night when I opened the Instagram that I realized it was a comment from a friend. The comment was made on the image of chakra meditation I posted a few days ago. It was an image I stole from the internet, not my own, to announce my newest interest in daily routine. Isn’t that the purpose of Instagram — that people use it to announce something about themselves, right? Anyway, my friend had inquired about my post and asked me the following question, “What specific needs did you get from it that other types of meditation don’t offer?” It was an intriguing question, and it got me to produce this writing after not writing for quite some time…and in English too.

It’s been a while, dear friends. To say that I’ve been busy in my life may sound like a cliché, but it’s true. I would love to be able to produce more writings, but my attention has been taken away to concentrate on my needs, on me. Sounds selfish, but self-healing requires perhaps a bit of selfishness. Nobody else is going to take care of me other than myself, so I decided to try some new activities as part of my self-healing. I don’t know where and how to start my story about my journey of self-healing within these past 2 or 3 months, or maybe even longer than that, but I will try to do it anyway. It has started somewhat slowly about 6 months ago when I got a chance to deepen my faith in my religion and did a deep soul-searching trip inside myself, asking many thought-provoking questions and daring to look into my past. Many people and activities I’ve done have helped me so far, and chakra meditation is just one of them. This essay is meant to answer my friend’s question, but also deeper than that. It’s my own recollection of my journey in improving my view of my self and the world.

I admit that I am not an expert in chakra meditation. I’ve only been doing it for maybe only 2 weeks so far, but on a daily basis. I can only testify as according to my experiences so far. I have known about chakra meditation before but never tried it. About two weeks ago, I went out of town and stayed in a hotel that uses some words explaining about chakras as part of its decoration. The name of the hotel is Good Karma, so that explains about the decoration. I took a picture of each of those 7 writings of chakra, and that still did not raise my interest yet to try them. About a few days later, I was browsing google play store on my phone looking for some peaceful meditational sounds or music to help me relaxing before sleep, and somehow coming across an app called Chakra Meditation and Healing after a series of installing many meditational apps beforehand only to uninstalling them right away again. Many of them were awful, trash, just full of advertisement. Some of them are just confusing to use. This chakra app though, has been accompanying me daily ever since.

What do I like about it? Probably because the guided chakra meditation is easy to follow, the human voice is very peaceful and soft, and then of course, the self-confirmation statements that are part of every chakra session. I have since tried to search on the internet and other chakra apps to see if self-confirmation statements are always part of chakra meditation. The answer is no. The one that I downloaded is the only one containing self-confirmation statements – sentences that I can repeat as positive messages to myself. Those statements were the first ones that hooked me into this chakra meditation. They made me realized that chakra meditation actually has a psychological aspect to it. However, after trying chakra meditation through the app over and over for several days, I realize that it is not only about self-confirmation statements. I truly feel something has changed in me, not just because of those statements, but also something else…within me, inside my body, in the way I think, how I feel about me and my body, and how I view my world. So then what is the conclusion of this? Could it be that the chakras in my body have opened up and become synchronized? I did not believe on those things in the past, but after experiencing everything that I have done, I’m starting to believe that there has been a renewal flow of energy inside my body.

What I have experienced is obviously unique and specific to me only. Others may not experience it the same way. Chakra meditation may not always work. I was a skeptic, did not complete believe fully in the concept of flow of energy within the body. I believe in the concept of prayers, in the practices according to my religion. I believe in the concept of thinking, feeling and behaving. But obviously, everything that I believed before was not enough to get me able to think as positive as I do now. Something was preventing me before. My mind could easily fall into a negative thinking, into endlessly worrying and distrusting people. A close person in my life, a special person, has been the blunt of my anger, worry, fear, and other negative thinking and feelings for these past 3 months, and even I at that time started to question myself on why did I continue to feel insecure about myself? Even after reading a book about Self-Compassion, I still could not love myself and forgive my past. I continued to be angry and fearful, and in that process, push people away. And I have tried everything too according to my faith and my background in psychology, but still to no avail. I could teach psychology, encourage other people to improve themselves, give them advice, but be pitiful in regards to my own life. I started to wonder too, and got tired of myself too. Why couldn’t I love myself? Why did I continue to doubt myself? Why couldn’t I forgive my past?

Then, something else happened too, something that I experienced a few days after I started the chakra meditation. I have been reading a book by an Indonesian back-packer traveler named Agustinus Wibowo. The book is titled Titik Nol or Zero Point. I believe the book has been translated into English and can be found on Amazon. One day as I was reading it, I came across a passage in the book.

“…hidup itu adalah sebilah cermin. Dunia di matamu sesungguhnya adalah cerminan dari hatimu sendiri. Caramu memandang dunia adalah caramu memandang diri.”

“…Life is a mirror. The world in your eyes is actually a reflection of your own heart. The way you view the world is the way you see yourself.”

When I met someone special or came across something that is powerful, such as the statement above, I always experienced this feeling as if my face had just been slapped, like I’ve just been knocked down on the ground. I knew when I read that statement that it was speaking to me because it hit me so hard. Nothing is coincidence in this world — I believe in it strongly. Therefore, I took it that my God, the God that has been my source of strength, wanted me to read that statement. However, if my mind was not ready to see that special message, I would not be able to understood it as something special. Luckily, I have been preparing myself through the self-healing journey I started months before, and God has allowed me to meet some people (or angels as I’d like to view them) that have shaped and influenced me positively along the way. Thus, when I saw that book passage, I was ready and my heart was open.

What was so interesting with that statement from the book? It actually brought me to the next questions, “How have I viewed the world all this time, throughout my life? How do I view my self?” I didn’t know the answer right away at first. It took a long afternoon walk in my neighborhood, under a beautiful sunset and with nature all around me, that I finally found the answer.

The truth is, would I be able to courageously look deeper inside me and admit my view of life and myself if it weren’t for the long self-healing journey that I have been on in the past few months? Including the chakra meditation? Well, I can’t say for sure yes or no, but I’d like to think that everything that I have encountered and experienced so far has helped me to get to the answer that has finally changed my view of this world…and more importantly, of myself. Though the self-healing process has been long and difficult because only a few people know the ups and downs that I have been through, I truly believe that every part of the journey was something that I HAD to go through in order to be able to get to this point. Without those many moments of anguish and tears and screaming, I would not be able to understand the message that God has sent me. And for all that I have been through and everyone that has helped, I thank you all, including that Chakra Meditation app.

And that is my answer to my friend’s question. A type of meditation can only be useful to you if it is meant to touch you. So find your own self-healing that fits you. It may be chakra meditation or it something else. Just start your own journey if you haven’t started it, and open your heart to those in life that are meant to be part of your healing process.