Image titled “Truth” by ahermin, taken from DeviantArt.com
I thought when someday I face “truth”
it will relieve me
free is then what I’ll feel
my body becomes lighter
and peace,
is what follows behind truth
I felt none of those above when
truth finally knocking at the door,
and neither did I feel anger
or sadness
it was more like a drained well,
a nothingness


Worse, I realize now that
we’ve actually met before
more than once
only I refused to see it
because in order to survive
I had to ignore it

Back then
I chose to carry hope,
and burned


Originally published in July 2016.

Essay · Poem

What is to Forget?


Image is titled “Remind.her to remember” by sophiaazhou from DeviantArt.com

I responded to a writing prompt. It asked me to write two lists. The first list is about things that I want to forget. The second one is about things that I want to remember. Guess what, the results came back almost the same.

In order to get rid of memories involving people and situations that I want to forget, I would run the risk of deleting the same people and possibly situations that I want to keep in my memory too.

Why are we humans so complicated? We create this complicated wants, needs, hates, dislikes on our own. We continue to push ourselves to get something that we want, to chase something in order to feel happy, belonged, loved, but then let them go once we get tired of them. Therefore, we continuously create a dual-impact in every single person and situation that we come across. We love a person, then we hate that person. We need a person, then we push that person away. We strive to be part of a group, later we quit. We find ourselves in a bad situation, but then we learn from it and become a better person. We let go a person, then we desire that person again. We make a decision to move to another place, then we miss it. And so on. It’s a dance of life that we make into a perfection as we move along in life.

Why does it have to be a double perspective to every single thing that we go through? Why can it be much simpler. I hate complication, but I always find myself getting caught in one. Is there a lesson in all of these messes?


Image is titled “Remember Me Too” by laughsofgreed from DeviantArt.com


(a poem)

what does it mean to forget?
for a person who has seen the secret beauties of this world,
who knows how a rainbow frames the sky with its colors,
or that trees would wear their best autumn dress and
dancing until no more leaves are left on their naked limbs,
or when the sky sprinkles its first snow
coloring the ground in shiny white,
oh and what about the magnificent sunset,
the view that we tirelessly waited
day after day,
how can a person forget all of those?

when we no longer have what we used to have
shall we forget them then?
when we no longer want what we used to chase
shall we forget them too?
is it the same as letting go?
and will it always involve a goodbye?
how painful it must be then to let go
the more your heart insists to toss ’em,
the more it aches and
the more your mind frantically grabs to hold on,
it haunts you even in your waking dreams
like a nightmare, but a never ending one

but do you ever wonder why it’s so
damn hard to forget?

have you ever laughed so hard
that you happily wipe tears from your eyes?
have you ever excitedly anticipating something so delightful that you want to shout your joy to the world?
do you remember those…
see, before there was pain, joy was there
before there was yearning, excitement was there
before there was loathing, love was there
hurt and happiness,
they come from one root

what then?
what should a person do?
begging the heart to stop?
force hope out of the head?
it is hope’s fault, you convince yourself
just make it die please, you whimper in your sleep
you’re so desperate for anything
any prescription that can
stop what you no longer want–
stop what was once desired
and would die for

my dear, you’re asking wrong questions,
you can’t stop the wheel that is already
in motion since the day you took your first breath,
you can’t throw what is already a part of you,
you can’t cut a thread
that is binding you to the memory,
have you ever wondered
you are not supposed to forget?
you’re not allowed to pick what to forget
because that is the universe’s job,
not yours

your task is,
to learn to accept, that
to forget means to continue to remember,
and to deny it means to live in pain,
the past is a gift, a blessing,
so remember them,
accept them,


Menguak Misteri

PictureImage is titled “Loneliness” by Orzz, from DeviantArt.com

jari-jari pucat muncul dari balik pintu kayu itu
perlahan tapi pasti, pintu mulai terkuak
tapi tarikan pintu bergerak terlalu pelan
seakan menggoda,
berpacu dengan detak jantung yang tak sabar menunggu
ada apa di balik pintu?
keingintahuan, ketakutan dan ketidaksabaran
bertarung di dalam pikiran
dan setelah sekian detik menahan napas —
— yang terasa seperti seabad,
daun pintu pun akhirnya terbuka penuh
entah apa yang dahulu terbayangkan
namun sejauh mata memandang,
yang terlihat hanyalah hamparan padang rumput datar,
malah tampak biasa saja, membosankan,
tak sebanding dengan imajinasi sebelumnya,
imajinasi yang terpancing oleh bayangan dari balik pintu,
yang sepertinya mengundang
kakipun mulai melangkah masuk, perlahan
memijak rumput basah yang pasrah untuk diinjak,
tapi sebelum melangkah lebih lanjut,
ku menoleh sebentar ke balik daun pintu
masih ada suatu keingintahuan yang perlu dipuaskan,
jari-jari pucat tadi secara perlahan maju dari balik pintu,
mulai menunjukkan rupanay,
dan melihat wajah itu – oh Gusti!
seakan tertampar oleh kenyataan
andaikan aku sedang melihat ke cermin
maka itulah yag aku lihat dari mata yang balik menatapku saat itu,
hanya tatapannya saja yang berbeda makna,
bukan ketakutan dan keingintahuan yang tercerminkan di mata itu,
melainkan suatu pertanyaan
namun tak ada kata yang perlu terucapkan
karena aku sudah tahu apa yang ingin dikatakan
mengapa begitu lama?
bayangan yang selama ini hidup di dunia yang aku takuti itu,
yang hidup sendirian di balik pintu,
yang terkucilkan,
yang telah lama menungguku untuk berani berkunjung,
adalah sosokku sendiri,
pintu itu tak pernah terkunci
namun itu tak kusadari,
sosok itu tidak pernah bisa keluar dari belenggunya
karena aku yang memerintahkannya untuk bertahan di situ
dan itu juga tak kusadari,
ia yang setia menungguku selama ini
untuk mengunjunginya,
untuk menenemani,
ternyata selama ini menanti hanya satu hal —
— menanti pembebasan
Originally published in July 2016.
Poem · Reality · Relationship

If Only…

I admire you, adore you
You’re beautiful, breathtaking
You have a special place in here
It beats harder when you’re around

I always look for you and
You’ll always appear suddenly behind me, but
Soon your restless soul start to snap
Poof(!) and you’re gone

Never stayed for more than a sleep

Take me with you next time
Let’s find that road destined for us
Or would you prefer to get lost together?
Oh what a journey it would be

If only you are real


Originally posted on August 2015 in another blog of mine.